Category: Advice from Alan Bautista

Heartbreak is a feeling so strong that it makes you want to crawl into bed and never wake up. It causes you to ask yourself, “What did I do wrong, do I deserve this?”

The feeling is similar to that of gray clouds on a sunny day. It’s wondering how you’re going to get through the day with this terrifying agony. It’s waking up again and again, believing that the pain will be endless. It’s grieving without death.

I think that the most devastating part about heartbreak is that the person who broke your heart continues on, and you’re forced to live a life that doesn’t include them. You fear that they’ll move forward from what you shared.

Not only do you lose that person, but also the part of yourself that existed during the relationship.

I know it feels like an everlasting pain, a hole in your chest, a void of nothingness. Heartbreak is such a long process that begins with the “numb stage”. You’re in denial, telling yourself lies in order to avoid the pain. When people ask if you’re okay, you respond, “I’m fine”. In doing so you’re not only lying to them, but yourself as well.

The next phase, the “clarity stage”, brings the worst of your emotional pain. This is when you stop lying to yourself and others. It is when you confront the pain instead of avoiding it. You just want to be able to understand the breakup and your relationship as a whole. The only way to pass the clarity stage is to fight it. The reason it brings the greatest emotional pain is because you’re finally letting all the pain come to you. After this phase, the healing starts.

The “healing stage” is next. However, this doesn’t mean things are easy. There are moments where you fall harder than ever, because you are still vulnerable from the last stage.

The best part of the healing stage is that you can begin to grow from what happened to you, and are able to open your mind to a new perspective of your relationship. Ironically, it takes sadness to know happiness.

If you are dealing with heartbreak, it is important to remember that you matter and are enough. Sometimes you may feel stuck, like you haven’t learned anything new or felt any better. I encourage you to be patient with yourself. These things take time.

Heartbreak is surmountable, but only if you fight for yourself. Acknowledge the pain and allow yourself to feel it. By doing this, seeking help and embracing yourself, you can begin to overcome a breakup.

Loving as a teen can be difficult most of the time since there’s going to be little to no experience. There’s no step-by-step manual to show you how to love or be loved. Each person’s background impacts their love language a lot.

For example, people with a parent that showed them tough love tend to give that tough love back, not being emotionally available because of issues with ego and pride. Orphans or people with one parent tend to have abandonment issues. It’s hard to not have a loving mentor to guide you into an easier chance to love and be loved.

My background with my parents is really good. My mom is a very loving person, always reassuring each one of her kids that we can talk to her about anything. My dad as well — he isn’t your typical Mexican dad with masculine pride. He always comes into my room and says “I love you”. In that aspect I’ve been really lucky and I am very grateful for that.

On the other hand, my experience with loving and dating so far has been slow.

I’ve had 2 girlfriends and lots of talking stages. My first girlfriend was in 8th grade. It was a school relationship. She taught me a lot, we grew with each other in every aspect and stage of our life, even as exes we still keep in touch and have a healthy friendship. My second girlfriend was a little more serious since I understood feelings a lot more than middle school, but it was during the pandemic. We only lasted about 3 months but it still was a really good relationship.

Both of those relationships ended for the same reasons. I felt like I deserved better. I know that’s a really cruel thing to say, but at the end of the day people need to think about themselves first so that the relationship can prosper. I realized that in both situations I was actually more into the relationship than the person. I liked that it kept me busy and I like the way I act in a relationship. I take care of myself but for the wrong reasons. I start taking care of my skin and I work out a lot more, but they’re my only motivation. I realized I needed to put myself first instead.

If you put yourself first in a relationship you get to learn how to be a better person on your own, and it’s better to share that maturity with someone else. You can learn to coexist with that person. Grow with that person. Create memories. Which all of them can lead to a very healthy relationship. Work on your insecurities, don’t just avoid them because you’ll never fully defeat them.

Talking stages for me are really important before dating. A talking stage is a way to see how your significant other acts when you’re close with one another, but it’s not as serious as actual dating. If you start the relationship too soon, it’ll just lead to an unnecessary commitment over time. But if you wait too long, the feelings might fade away.

Overall, the advice I would give teens or my children is to definitely try out dating at a young age. You’ll never know what you like until you try. Let time do its thing, and don’t force the relationship. Emotions shouldn’t be forced. Looks do matter, they’re just not everything in a relationship. At the end of the day the truth is there is no manual to falling in love.

I once read a quote from a Buddhist: “If you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet your soulmate you’ll feel calm.” It just stuck with me. Every time I’ve been in a relationship, I’ve felt subconsciously aware of if she makes me feel calm or panicked. Sometimes I end relationships because I feel too nervous and anxious around them, and sometimes that’s the right thing to do for you.

I want to feel calm around someone. I want to not be in constant fear of judgment. I want someone who accepts me for who I am. Someone who makes me want to be a better person not because of who I am. I don’t want to feel like I should stay the same, I want to grow within the relationship because they inspire me to do better, to be better. To coexist alongside them. I want someone who feels like home. I want to emerge stronger out of every conflict. I want my love to be greater than my pride. To me, this is love and while I never have experienced it I look forward to it. To my first love.

Your first love is not necessarily your first boyfriend or girlfriend, It’s the first person for which you do things you never would have imagined doing. The person who makes you feel things you never even knew existed. First loves are the people who first introduce you to love. Not love for your mother or sibling love, but love with your lover. It’s the first person you let yourself be vulnerable with. In my opinion, this type of love is the most complicated one of all, since it’s the person you could possibly spend your entire life with. It’s the person who you have to accept both the good and the bad.

First loves are very significant in your love life and in general, since they’re your first love and you don’t have much experience with love in the beginning. They influence your standards a lot. They help you find what your type is. Your first love will always be a huge part of your life, no matter whether they’re still with you or not. They help you find out who you really are, your love language, your goals in all aspects whether it’s love-related or just in general.

People usually confuse their first partner with their first love, which is not often true since “first love” implies that you actually love that person. People mistake love with caring, mostly the younger crowd because of lack of experience and maturity

I think first loves can be a hit or miss. You either have a good image of them or not. You either end your relationship on good or bad terms. I think there’s always still room to learn and grow about the relationship.

For people who are dealing with a break up with their first love — I know it would be painful. When I deal with a breakup I try to put myself in both perspectives. Try to have an honest conversation after the break up. Acknowledge what you did wrong and try to improve on what you lacked. It can help give you some closure. Personally, I try an unbiased approach. But if exes don’t want to have an honest conversation, it can slow character development.

Sometimes I still have moments where I blame myself for things I never did. I ask myself if I was good to them, even though I know very well that I gave them my all.

This is The Prospector’s first installment of “Advice from Alan.” We will be publishing a series of love advice articles written by our staff writer Alan Bautista.