Ask a person in their early 40s to say a big number and they will crack a wry smile. “One million,” they say, the well worn neural pathways of big number identification firing with ease. Ask a millennial to say a big number and there is a good chance they will not even look up from their mobile device, “10, ugh, can I have my participation trophy now?” Defined as anyone born between 1980 and 2000, but more accurately defined as a bunch of good for nothing babies, millennials are a pox on this country.
For a while they had everyone tricked. Articles praised them as the next big thing, poised to rival the Greatest Generation. However, instead of winning two World Wars and escaping the Depression, millennials consciously decided to cause global warming and destroy the world economy. Think about it, there is a direct correlation between the existence of millennials and climate change. It is obviously the result of smoking hot internet data melting the ice caps. And this doesn’t even address the multitude of offenses committed by current high schoolers, whose laziness manifests itself in their infamous free time arithmetic.
As they tell it, students have six hours of homework each night and attend school for seven hours a day. Add the hour to get ready and go to school, three hours for after school clubs and activities, an hour for dinner with the family, eight hours to sleep each night, that leaves…negative two hours to enjoy themselves. In reality, they plagiarize and CliffsNotes their way to a university that teaches them nothing about how to work with their goddamn hands. The nation is in shambles, and the path to salvation runs through a generation of kids too busy whining to notice. Good luck, dummies.
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